


Roast Circle

by adroitstories



Series: The Adventures of Force Ghost Clones [5]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, messing with vader au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 08:53:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25348024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adroitstories/pseuds/adroitstories
Summary: At this point, the clones need to roast Vader for a little while.
Relationships: 212th Attack Battalion & Anakin Skywalker, 501st Legion & Anakin Skywalker
Series: The Adventures of Force Ghost Clones [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825171
Comments: 17
Kudos: 89





	Roast Circle

Tech fiddled with the locks in the control panel, Echo right next to him. 

“No, not that one,” Echo hissed, motioning to the cable. “This one.”

“I’m sorry, who’s the tech genius here?”

“I’m sorry, who used to be literally a machine?” Echo snapped back.

Tech sighed. “Well, either should work. It shouldn’t matter.”

Echo huffed and let Tech continue working. 

“Hurry up, he’s gonna round the corner any minute,” Echo whispered. Fives and Jesse were trying to stall Vader in the hallway, teasing the man about something or other.

When Jesse ran around the corner, Echo knew that was almost time.

“Do you have that done yet?” he hissed furiously.

“There!” Tech said, a self-satisfied look on his face. “Done.”

Echo signed to the other v _od’e_. They all took their places, sitting on the ground in a circle. Echo could feel Vader’s presence outside the room—could feel the Sith’s wariness. But the Sith Lord strode in anyways, boots thudding against the cold Imperial floor. 

As soon as Vader entered, Tech closed and locked the door, stopping the Sith Lord in his tracks. Vader snapped his head and looked around at the circled _vod’e_.

“What is this?” The Sith Lord asked slowly.

Fives suddenly appeared, his face solemn. 

“This is some much needed levity from us,” Fives announced, somber. A chalkboard suddenly appeared. “I think it’s time we addressed the cyborg in the room.”

Vader gave a long suffering sigh.

“Sit, Vader,” Fives gestured to a chair. Vader tried to turn around and leave the room, but Tech just waved jauntily at him, a cheeky grin on his face. Vader stopped, and then turned back to Fives.

“Sit,” Fives pointed to the empty chair in the room. Vader meekly slunk to the seat. “Now, let’s get started, shall we?”

“I’d like to start,” Jesse volunteered. Vader placed his masked head in his hands. “I would like to address the tall, mechanical, punk-ass emo bitch clown in the room.”

Vader sighed.

“If you see Anakin Skywalker, can you give him this message?” Jesse asked.

“Anakin Skywalker is—”

“Say dead and I promise you I will beat your _shebs_ ,” Fives warned. “Also, no interrupting the speaker.”

“But—”

“No interrupting!” Fives said sternly. Vader stilled.

“Anyways, tell him this—you used to be a man! Now you’re an evil cyborg with magical Force powers! Serving a genocidal fascistic regime! Not a great look!” Jesse spat.

There were various muttered agreements.

“Get your house in order! Fix this mess you made,” Jesse ended. There was a round of scattered applause. Jesse sat back down.

“Alright, who’s next?” Fives asked, standing, and writing some words down on the chalkboard. When he turned to face the circle again, the words, “punk-ass emo bitch clown” were written in all capital Aurebeesh.

Tup stood, her long hair tied back in a braid. “I’ll go next.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I think it's important that the Sith Lord here isn’t just a…” she paused, reading the Aurebeesh, “ ‘punk-ass emo bitch clown,’ he’s also a tin-can with no brain cells. Literally, once, he told me he tried to shave with his lightsaber, and I guess he had a few to many close calls for him to end up so crispy.”

Fives carefully wrote down ‘tin-can with no braincells.’ He grinned at Vader.

“Maybe we should say how we feel about Vader?” he suggested lightly.

“Trash fire that got a little out of hand?” Fox suggested. “And I mean, like, absolute garbage, like, lower levels of Coruscant-type garbage.” Fox shuddered.

“Oh, a marshmallow that got a little too crispy?” Hardcase piped up.

“An uncouth cretin who slurped worms?” Cody suggested dryly. There were groans at this. 

“They were excellent sources of nutrition!” Vader protested.

“No interrupting!” Fives said, rapidly writing down all the descriptions.

Jesse shook his head. “I’ve heard you want to kill clones, now, yeah, Vader?” His voice was too light to be friendly. “Or at least a few.”

“Can confirm,” Cody said.

Jesse rolled his eyes. “Don’t really know what I was expecting. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s killed a fifteen-year-old.”

The clones laughed at that. There were also several groans.

Jesse continued. “We have over 100 days until Hallows’ Eve, but, uh, I see Darth Vader has come early in his droid-sona.”

Tup giggled with laughter.

“I think R2 would be proud, sir. Really went the extra mile with all those bells and whistles. You can rest easy. Or, do you need to hook up to a charging station? You’re not looking quite like yourself, lately.”

There were a few laughs at this.

Echo stood then. “I think you’re all being a little harsh. I, too, understand what its like to be a cyborg,” Echo said. He continued. “It’s rough! Right sir? Can’t move like you used to, can’t make your lightsaber all nice and elegant, cause you don’t have fingers that move like they used to.” But he didn’t wait for Vader to respond. “As someone who used to be part droid, I can’t really agree with all your comments, Jesse—but as someone who hates child murderers, genocidal bastards, and Sith Lords, I karking love this.” There were whoops.

Cody took his turn then. “I see we have a guest in the house tonight,” he began. “Honestly, though, this guest looks pretty familiar. A lightsaber wielding cyborg with a weird helmet who has trouble breathing?” Cody paused. “General Grevious, looking good for a dead man!”

The room erupted in laughter.

“Nothing but an oversized tinny,” Cody shook his head. “Full offense, sir, but the boys and I could take you out, no problem.”

Vader said nothing, only slightly shaking his head.

“Honestly, the meanest thing we could do for Vader is list his accomplishments in chronological order,” Dogma added. He counted them off on his hands. “I mean can you imagine? The only human to win a podrace, blows up the Trade Federation control ship before he’s 10, becomes a general in a war, gets married to a beautiful senator at 19—”

It was almost possible to feel the air freeze around them, but Dogma continued.

“—saves the Supreme Chancellor, kills Count Dooku, and then it all goes downhill from there—becomes a mass murderer, helps commit genocide, gets all his limbs chopped off at age 22—I mean, all due respect, but, uh, yikes.”

The clones laughed at that, tears forming in Fives’ eyes. Echo clutched his sides.

Hawk stood up then. “Honestly, I feel the same. Once we looked at you as a great general, whose place was at the front lines of any attack we faced.” Hawk paused for effect. “Now, we know that your place is in the flammable section.”

There were startled laughs and chuckles.

Hawk continued. “I mean, seriously. Good thing you don’t smoke, otherwise, I’d be worried for your lungs even more.”

Fox laughed at that. 

Fives stood. “You know, I think the saddest part is that you really had it all.” Vader turned to look up at him. “The war was almost over, your wife was pregnant and in good health, you were on, well, maybe not good terms with Obi-wan, at least not since the Hardeen incident, but better terms. And you threw it all away on a stupid, stupid idea.”

Fives saw Vader’s shoulders slump. “I mean, truly stupid. We’ve all seen your stupid, and this...I mean this takes the cake. You were selfish, and arrogant, and greedy.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Cody said from his seat. 

Fives turned to look at the older clone. 

Cody grimaced. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No, Cody, I think you should go,” Fives encouraged. 

Cody stood, standing at parade rest. He started slowly. “I was one of Rex’s closest friends.”

Vader flinched at the name.

Cody continued. “He had absolute faith in you. You were reckless with my brothers’ lives, and still he had faith in you. You threw him around using the Force, and were reckless and tenacious, and he hated that, but he still believed in you. You never left a man behind. He knew that you would never betray them. Once upon a time, you genuinely cared for us. Not as soldiers, but as men.”

Vader crossed his arms. 

“You know what we’re going to ask, Vader.” Cody said softly. “Let my brothers go. You know its wrong. Let them all go. Deactivate their chips. Let them all live their lives. You wanted to bring freedom to your new empire. Make it happen.”

There was a silence in the room.

Vader sighed. “All is as the Force wills it. I cannot disobey the will of my Master.” He stood up and made for the door.

Fives stood, incensed. “But you know this is wrong! You’re treating them like droids!”

“Everything happens for a reason,” Vader said tonelessly. “I will not listen to this nonsense anymore.” He paused for a moment. “I am sorry,” and Fives almost believed him.

And with that, Vader used his lightsaber to carve a hole in the wall. The rest of the clones present just stared after him, helplessly. 

**Author's Note:**

> Mando'a Translation:
> 
> vod'e--siblings  
> shebs--ass
> 
> Also, some of you might recognize Jesse's quick monologue here--the basic structure of it was taken from Donna's intervention for Ron Swanson in the Parks and Rec episode 'Ron and Tammy II'. 
> 
> Also, I am aware that I'm use mostly refer to the clones with male relationship markers, ie 'brothers' and 'men'--its mostly because I headcanon that the clones don't really trust anyone outside of their vod'e with gender stuff, extenuating circumstances aside. They're certainly not gonna update Vader with something important and personal like that.
> 
> I have also read many comments and am overjoyed and thankful for the responses! I will get to work on working these into the fic at some point.
> 
> As always, shoutout to Megan, who started this AU in the first place.


End file.
